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Dream the day before 

Slept the morning before his funeral, which is tomorrow. I had a small dream. I was in a coastal city packing things, helping my family go somewhere. 

Suddenly, a man in a red shirt and athletic proportions comes into the room. He stands at attention behind me. I turn around to look and am surprised to see my biological father. He looks good, very healthy. His skin is tan, has all his hair, which is cut short. He slaps me in a friendly way on my arm. I am a little startled, but I'm also used to his surprised visits, so it is a composed startle. 

I tell him we were just going to see him. He tells me, "it's my birthday." (His real birthday is in July.) I look at him, and think about how the other side of his family is doing, coping with him being around now.

And then, I woke up.

01 March 2024

Morning Fog 


29 December 2023

Sunday Evening Sunset  


Sunday night sunset at the park. Meditating while walking. Then, a coffee break at the downtown coffee shop to sip on an overpriced Mocha, and

19 November 2023

An apartment for evening birds 


Right in the middle of this photo is a stand of trees, about four or five altogether. The bushes, vines, and various brush created a kind of prairie ship of branches that an entire colony of birds claimed to sing their evening songs. It was quite something to see and hear. The recent rains probably contributed to the loudness of their songs.

26 September 2023

Paddle Boat and Sunset 


Photography is an art to be sure, but sometimes it's also about being in the right place at the right time.



24 September 2023

Assessments of Circumstance 

My walking schedule has eased somewhat. I've been going at least once every three or four days lately, instead of every other day as I have intended. This is likely a result of my not being able to wake up early enough to go in the morning and return early enough for a shower. If it is already 9:00 am when I am awake and ready to leave, then it is already too late. I should be going at 7 am or earlier.

I did walk yesterday, and was able to go the entire four miles, but I started at five pm. I find that walking later in the day like that makes it more likely I will wake up in the middle of the night, like 4:30 am, as my body temperature is a little too high for a full night's rest, perhaps a result of swelling and inflammation. In these middle of the night wakefulness periods, I drink a little water, surf the Internet a bit, read scriptures on my phone, and worry intensely about the Future and my personal security.

This anxiety about financial security, my worries about keeping gainful employment, my fears about having employable skills, my worries about providing for myself (by myself) are a very large feature of my modern life. Denial usually carries me forward. I know I cannot predict the future, but at least I can prepare. I worry I am not prepared enough. When the fear is sharp, I push it out of my mind and try not to think about it.

I've also been thinking more and more about writing a book. I was fascinated by a recent cartoon I saw this weekend, made in 1988, called Abel's Island, based on a children's book written in 1976 by William Stieg. He's the same author who wrote the original Shrek book, as well as others. (I should do some research about him.) A part of me is very interested in the works of Richard Scary, and similar writers and illustrators for children. I aspire to do something similar, even if I may not have success with it. I confess I have let my drawing habits lapse. It's been a few years since I have devoted regular practice to it.

Maybe it's old fashioned to say, but the only way I have found to cope with unchangeable circumstances that are unpleasant and which portend misfortune is to pray and take refuge in divine mercy. My deeper fears are that I have much to atone for. Easy to be a materialist in our society, giving no thought to improving ourselves, and being constantly occupied with indulgences and dissipations.

I fear I have wasted years of life making myself and others unhappy by not being a careful enough steward of my choices. There are many specifics here that I will not mention in a public forum like this. To be brief, I feel I am trying my best now. I know I have a long way to go to acquire the virtues I desire. I will try not to let my frequent and vague fears of failure overtake me as I build a better inner life.

12 September 2023

Picking a Corner 

More tired than I want to be these days, probably because I have been simultaneously walking several miles every other day, and changing my schedule where I get up earlier and go to bed earlier. My feet both hurt less intensely, but hurt more often. The ankle pain has lessened now that I seemed to have strengthened that particular side, but the soles of my both my feet are frequently sore, sometimes in the morning when I wake up.

My schedule change hasn't stabilized yet. It's my goal to be home and in bed by nine pm, but the other day I was out until eleven, and recently my habit of these past few months has been to not to go to sleep before midnight. If I have learned anything in life, perhaps one true thing is that change and effort, especially those that are new, take time. Being patient with myself is a challenge sometimes, especially since everything in the world seems to want to push us towards outrage. 

Still trying to sleep eight hours a night, and trying to cut out on junk meals that are easy to prepare and have no "clean-up."

Fixing my life is a lot like my project of cleaning up my parent's property. There is a lot of junk that needs cleared out, and the job will take several months. However, if I really want to do it, and make progress, than I just have to pick a corner and get started.

21 August 2023