Assessments of Circumstance
My walking schedule has eased somewhat. I've been going at least once every three or four days lately, instead of every other day as I have intended. This is likely a result of my not being able to wake up early enough to go in the morning and return early enough for a shower. If it is already 9:00 am when I am awake and ready to leave, then it is already too late. I should be going at 7 am or earlier.
I did walk yesterday, and was able to go the entire four miles, but I started at five pm. I find that walking later in the day like that makes it more likely I will wake up in the middle of the night, like 4:30 am, as my body temperature is a little too high for a full night's rest, perhaps a result of swelling and inflammation. In these middle of the night wakefulness periods, I drink a little water, surf the Internet a bit, read scriptures on my phone, and worry intensely about the Future and my personal security.
This anxiety about financial security, my worries about keeping gainful employment, my fears about having employable skills, my worries about providing for myself (by myself) are a very large feature of my modern life. Denial usually carries me forward. I know I cannot predict the future, but at least I can prepare. I worry I am not prepared enough. When the fear is sharp, I push it out of my mind and try not to think about it.
I've also been thinking more and more about writing a book. I was fascinated by a recent cartoon I saw this weekend, made in 1988, called Abel's Island, based on a children's book written in 1976 by William Stieg. He's the same author who wrote the original Shrek book, as well as others. (I should do some research about him.) A part of me is very interested in the works of Richard Scary, and similar writers and illustrators for children. I aspire to do something similar, even if I may not have success with it. I confess I have let my drawing habits lapse. It's been a few years since I have devoted regular practice to it.
Maybe it's old fashioned to say, but the only way I have found to cope with unchangeable circumstances that are unpleasant and which portend misfortune is to pray and take refuge in divine mercy. My deeper fears are that I have much to atone for. Easy to be a materialist in our society, giving no thought to improving ourselves, and being constantly occupied with indulgences and dissipations.
I fear I have wasted years of life making myself and others unhappy by not being a careful enough steward of my choices. There are many specifics here that I will not mention in a public forum like this. To be brief, I feel I am trying my best now. I know I have a long way to go to acquire the virtues I desire. I will try not to let my frequent and vague fears of failure overtake me as I build a better inner life.
12 September 2023
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