Monday Night Stroll Around 8pm
Foot only hurt a little. Had a week off from all exercise previous to this stroll. Workers were in the park taking down empty tents that were up on the weekend for a big event. Managed to walk about two miles. Went to bed early-ish, because I have appointment for tomorrow.
26 June 2023
Another uncertain night at the hospital
Nothing much to say here. Panic, emotion, and mundane concern for finance. Then, interest in a war movie. Talk about doctors, diets, palliative care. Nurse looked exhausted and frustrated. Plans for another visit tomorrow.
My own emotions today are difficult to describe, or even identify. After a stressful morning, I went home and tried to sleep again. Not much success. Hoping for direct inspiration about what to do, say, or help.
I told Mom that I feel like the "cooler." I am the one who absorbs the free floating vibes and stills them a little. I have nothing to say except, "get better," or "you just need to rest." All cliche, but sincerely expressed.
Caregiver fatigue and anger are real and hardly talked about in common discourse. Heparin, glucose, and blood pressure screens behind his head. Spaghetti wires tangled on his chest and arms. Tear at his eyes, and he looks sleepy. Can't hear or talk, but they say he's getting better.
I've already been to there hospital too many times this month.
14 June 2023
Tuesday Night Stroll
Tried another path tonight, but the duck pond had covered over the paved pathway.
Just as I came to the water's edge, a skateboarding man came by and was similarly stopped by the water. He considered crossing it, but a single step in the mud changed his mind. Although I dislike talking to strangers, he asked me if I had ever been this way before, and I told him I had not. He wanted to know if there was anything cool on the other side. I didn't know. He left and said "good luck on your adventures."
Minutes later, after talking an alternate route through the woods. I came across him again. He chose a path along the field, and I chose the opposite direction. This time I asked him if the trail continued forward, and he said it appeared to.
Indeed, it did. More walking through the trees led me to bigger paths covered in bark dust. The wind was letting up, and the heat was approaching eighty degrees. I found the dog park and the paved path again.
There I ran into the same stranger for the third time. He was on his phone, but hung up to ask me what I had seen on the opposite path from him. "Anything cool?," he asked. I said no, and told him about the bark dust trails I saw.
I spent the next forty minutes walking and didn't see him again. All in all, I walked almost three and a half miles in about an hour and twenty minutes.
Driving home, I bought an ice cream cone from a tourist shop playing John Prine on the radio. After another walk to check out the smaller tourist town, I drove to the roadside diner I was familiar with and bought a hamburger and salad. For fourteen dollars, I could have done better at the fast food place, but this last stop was comfortable. After a quick stop by the grocery store for dish soap for the parents, I was finally home and in bed for the night.
These walks are something I want to make regular, but my foot usually ends up hurting. My ankle and soles aren't being as cooperative as I want. I worry my age and bad health means the foot pain is permanent. We shall see.
13 June 2023
More Walking
Pictures are from a four and a half mile hike last Thursday. Bee is snuggled in the the flower in the last picture.
Like everyone else, I'd like to lose weight, but it's not happening yet. I need to walk more often, eat way less junk, and be more detached from the outcomes of what may or may not happen.
Frustrating personal experiences today are teaching me the lesson of letting go when it's really difficult to let go. An elderly care-giver whom I read about in an article had the mantra: "I have no expectations. I can get through this," which seems like a healthy attitude to get through bad and unavoidable circumstances. I would transform that mantra into something more religious which might be "trust in God." I might say something like: "I will be detached emotionally from 'this' to experience this in a state of spiritual purity. I chose to trust God."
I know most people would not say or do this, but I will try to remember this because of how important a lesson it is. Life won't be magically better by this, it can even get worse. However, it can be even much worse than that--a true disaster--if I act angrily or selfishly.
10 June 2023
Six Mile Hike
Sunday. Hiked six miles with a banjo and a backpack. Hot and windy. Ankle pain fairly strong around mile four. Got a mild sunburn on my face. If I can do more of these hikes, I will have to come up with a plan for not getting burned. I try to think of these trips as health investments, but I got to remember not to undo the health benefits with injuries.
Rewarded myself with a Starbucks drink and a chocolate ice cream cone. Next time, will do something more appropriate like an apple.
Then, did a long grocery store trip, had a dinner of two pizza slices, and made a hospital visit. Hadn't planned on the visit, but turned out to be necessary.
Made a second grocery shopping trip back in town for lunch items, and dropped off the food at work.
I will have to remember that hunger will get more intense as I lose weight. Perhaps meditation will help me.
