I Do Not Like That Machine
Woke up with a worrying physical problem to add to the mix of the emotional mix of the emotional ones: woke up dizzy. I do not think I have insurance any longer, so I am avoiding going to the doctor to have it checked out. Mom suggested it could have something to do with blood pressure, but I seriously doubt that. I think it is either one of two things. Either it is low blood sugar due to not having had anything to eat for awhile, and going low over night. Or, it is simply that I have not had the rest I need. The sleep apnea machine (which I hate) has a heated hose. The weather has been in the 80s and 90s, so maybe, I think to myself, the extra heat from the hose is too much. Yes, dear reader, I know what you are likely thinking: that is crazy to heat a hose when you don't need it. You're either damaging yourself or your machine or both. Valid criticism. I think the reason I have not turned it off yet is because the mechanism for doing so is rather unintuitive. Which is probably another indicator of how much I dislike this machine and my need for it.
When I first got the sleep apnea machine, I weighed my heaviest. A long term lack of sleep and depression, combined with my carelessness with calories really packed the pounds on. The weight causes the problem and necessitates the machine, and perhaps a significant weight loss would mean that I could give it up. I do not want to become attached to it, to rely it on it for such a basic human function, that emotionally I have been keeping my distance, trying to interact with it as little as possible. Not rational of course, but it is what it is. Combine that approach with my first introduction with the machine a couple of years ago. The supplier of the machine, as well as the supplies for it, was not very good. The technicians were competent, but the whole store eventually began to feel like a giant cash grab. Everyone there seemed to be doing the bare minimum to qualify for the insurance payouts, for which they charged as much as possible. It was not a good feeling I had of the place. Maybe they needed to charge as much as they did, but a little research uncovered multiple issues others had with them, as well as some better alternative suppliers. Therefore, I switched. Still the emotional reluctance remains. I hate the machine. I hope to lose a lot of weight to be able to stop using it and still sleep well. We shall see.
As for this morning's dizziness, I am currently not sure what to do. Dad has told me that there is a letter from my insurance company at home for me. If it indicates that I have insurance still, and if I feel dizzy in the morning, I will make an appointment to figure out what is wrong. Aside from blood sugar or physical exhaustion, I suppose it could be something weird like pneumonia, but I dislike doctors too. Not for any serious reason for who they are or what they do, but because of the simple knowledge that I cannot afford them. Sometimes I think that, had I been born in a different western nation, my greatest expenses and debts: college and health care, would not even exist.
When I first got the sleep apnea machine, I weighed my heaviest. A long term lack of sleep and depression, combined with my carelessness with calories really packed the pounds on. The weight causes the problem and necessitates the machine, and perhaps a significant weight loss would mean that I could give it up. I do not want to become attached to it, to rely it on it for such a basic human function, that emotionally I have been keeping my distance, trying to interact with it as little as possible. Not rational of course, but it is what it is. Combine that approach with my first introduction with the machine a couple of years ago. The supplier of the machine, as well as the supplies for it, was not very good. The technicians were competent, but the whole store eventually began to feel like a giant cash grab. Everyone there seemed to be doing the bare minimum to qualify for the insurance payouts, for which they charged as much as possible. It was not a good feeling I had of the place. Maybe they needed to charge as much as they did, but a little research uncovered multiple issues others had with them, as well as some better alternative suppliers. Therefore, I switched. Still the emotional reluctance remains. I hate the machine. I hope to lose a lot of weight to be able to stop using it and still sleep well. We shall see.
As for this morning's dizziness, I am currently not sure what to do. Dad has told me that there is a letter from my insurance company at home for me. If it indicates that I have insurance still, and if I feel dizzy in the morning, I will make an appointment to figure out what is wrong. Aside from blood sugar or physical exhaustion, I suppose it could be something weird like pneumonia, but I dislike doctors too. Not for any serious reason for who they are or what they do, but because of the simple knowledge that I cannot afford them. Sometimes I think that, had I been born in a different western nation, my greatest expenses and debts: college and health care, would not even exist.
16 July 2018
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