Steps in Front of Others 

I've spent the last few days at work preparing a large submission for a specific trade magazine. The major part of it is about nine pages single space with one inch margins. For those of you who have typed term papers and the like, you know how much that really is. Anyway, for the project, I had to learn a lot about local history: stuff about pioneering trails, historic pioneer farms, and the like. It has been somewhat interesting to know more about the place you live, but I've not really been keen on learning about the pioneer stuff. Yeah, it is interesting to know how people lived one hundred years ago but that only goes so far. I guess I am more proud of the natural environment and the progressive reputation that the coastal west often enjoys more than the hard-work and determination blah, blah, blah that is usually associated with Pioneers. I mean, I guess it would be one thing if the so-called pioneers were the first people out here to settle the land and carve a life for themselves. But, of course, the reservation down the road (with it's popular casino) proves otherwise. The trumpeted ballyhoo about the pioneers of the American west is always tempered by the fact that, for me, it largely represents American expansionism and the displacement of the indigenous peoples.

Personally, I have been having some weird dreams. My life has changed dramatically, and I think, sub-consciously, I am still trying to get a grip on it. I often dream about being poor without any resources to depend on. I managed to get my first paycheck the other day, which was great, but I still owe rent for the month of May in place I moved out of, cable I no longer subscribe to, and phone for service I no longer have. The paycheck won't cover even half of it yet. Fortunately, by the end of the month, I should have most of my bills paid off, but the stress of still owing money combined with the fact that I'm not making any progress on my long term life goals--and that I am 34!--is a little depressing. I tell myself that life is one step in front of the other and that knowledge sometimes helps.

18 July 2006
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