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Re-Tooling 


Lunch This Past Tuesday

For several months, ever since my car was stolen, I have been climbing in to my car's driver's seat from the passenger side of the vehicle. The lock had apparently been forced open with a screwdriver or something and the whole internal locking mechanism was completely broken. I no longer get mad when I think about my car being taken for a teenage joyride, or used as some kind of temporary hotel, but I do occasionally speculate on what it was used for when it was away. Anyway, I had become quite adept sliding across the seats and rather indifferent to potential stares from strangers. I mean, my car was broken and it was not my fault. What could I really do, right? So, on Tuesday, I finally got it fixed. I spent the afternoon walking around downtown while the mechanics re-tooled the door. I was also able to buy a few small art supplies, like a metal copic brush pen.

My walk across town also helped me consider my current demoralized condition. My career path is not going so good, and getting my master's degree may not be in my future after all. Truth be told, I have earned a several incomplete grades and it is rather hard to get them resolved while still trying to attend class. It is very much like trying to save money while spending much more than you earn. I am just not getting ahead. To say that I have been spending a lot of time being pensive and disappointed is an understatement of sorts. My future plans and goals for my life are shifting, but I still don't know which direction they are shifting in yet. I've been reflecting on my future for the whole past week.

Today, I went to talk with the administrators to see if there was any hope of somehow salvaging what I could from the past two years of college enrollment. According to the people I spoke with, there may be a chance to get a degree at some future point, but it is long shot. A very, very long shot. But to earn this chance, I have to swallow my pride again, justify my presence to several bureaucratic gate-keepers, and finally make some academic progress. And to do that, I will have to spend the next three weeks on campus at the admin. bldg, the clinic, and the library. I am not sure I am up to it. On the other hand, to think that I've added a few more thousand dollars of debt to my college loans without a degree to show for it is a strong motivator to persist along my college path for a little while longer.

Regardless of what decisions I come to, my plans for the summer (and beyond) involve a significant change. For too long, I have been stuck in a sort of spiritual neutral; the ship of myself has sailed into still and stagnant seas. Soon, I will move back in with my folks, start work in the family business, explore my illustrator interests, and generally regroup emotionally. I think a change in my physical environment will actually help me get kick-started. And I am looking forward to making some progress--any progress--because, after all of this, a little success will go a long way.

30 May 2006
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