I have become a close friend to anxiety. It has nested comfortable inside my chest, to the left of my heart, and whispers to me constantly. Usually, I try to fight it and say to myself, one way or another, "okay, just because you're worried about the future does not mean that things won't eventually be okay and sort themselves out. Life goes on. Failures are just opportunities. Feelings aren't facts. Yadda, yadda, yadda. But because the whispering of anxiety is incessant, it takes all of my energy to fight it or ignore it, and occasionally, it absorbs me from the inside out.
One way or the other, it seems that my current school plans are either at an end or on hold. I certainly can't afford to keep going into to debt, either financially and academically without having some sort of promise of future reward. So, I am looking at getting a new job, but not in the field for which I have studied. I am looking at getting a new place to live, but some place super cheap. Essentially, I am looking at starting things over, going back to where I was four years ago, but this time, I don't really have a plan for how to move things forward or recover some of what I've lost. I've reached a cul-de-sac in life, and I have to turn around.
Perhaps, I do have something to show for it. For example, maybe I have a better sense of self. After all, I am resolving some long standing life issues to some degree, even though I feel I've made more than my share of mis-steps. And maybe I've even improved the quality of my present and future internal life, even if I will continue to be among the poor and working class. But faced with my current setbacks and debts, this is classic "cold comfort."
But, now I've indulged my anxiety with this blog post, I can start talking back to it with the "life goes on, failures are opportunities, and feelings aren't facts" stuff. There may yet be some things I can do, so, I will do what I have always done. Accept where I am at without too much regret, and try to negotiate for better place and more secure future.
18 May 2006
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