Anxiety Burning on the Horizon
My life has ground to a halt on the inside somehow. My emotions are like books that have spilled off a high shelf and lie broken, scattered, and askew on the floor. I feel I am caught in a trap of not knowing how best to pull myself together and move forward with confidence and aplomb I want to feel. Anxiety regarding my future is again creeping up on me, and reading the tea leaves of an unpleasant future, I fear it may already be too late to fix things.
For example, I know I need to repair my health, lose weight, and get off the sleep apnea machine (which I really dislike), but I do not know where or how to start, especially since other concerns take up more time. Doing laundry, having a day off for chores, fixing meals is a hassle that takes up so much time and energy. There isn't time or energy left for exercise. Then, a slimy edge of hopelessness accumulates on all my random thoughts during the day, never too conscious to be examined directly, just a thin film of unease that you suddenly aware of but can't formulate a way to describe it, even to yourself.
I used to feel like I was making progress to things. When I was in college, I was trying to head for a career that was satisfying and could help me afford a decent life-style. That fell apart spectacularly. When I was in a relationship, I was heading toward a family and a satisfying emotional bond with a loving partner. That fell apart. But more accurately, it probably was never what I thought it was in the first place. Youth made it seem like the future was matter of choosing a handful of the best options from a world of possibility, a world of potential benefits that could be enjoyed like biting into a ripe, sweet, summer fruit. Late middle-age has clarified the reality that time is not an infinite resource and that some opportunities will only come once or twice. Coping with loss, and trying not to feel like a failure is hard.
I spend a lot of time praying, hoping to recapture the feeling of security that came from a hopeful future. Trying not to be de-moralized in a world hurting from its own poor choices and disregard for the inherent dignity of mankind. May God please guide me to my best possible future.
For example, I know I need to repair my health, lose weight, and get off the sleep apnea machine (which I really dislike), but I do not know where or how to start, especially since other concerns take up more time. Doing laundry, having a day off for chores, fixing meals is a hassle that takes up so much time and energy. There isn't time or energy left for exercise. Then, a slimy edge of hopelessness accumulates on all my random thoughts during the day, never too conscious to be examined directly, just a thin film of unease that you suddenly aware of but can't formulate a way to describe it, even to yourself.
I used to feel like I was making progress to things. When I was in college, I was trying to head for a career that was satisfying and could help me afford a decent life-style. That fell apart spectacularly. When I was in a relationship, I was heading toward a family and a satisfying emotional bond with a loving partner. That fell apart. But more accurately, it probably was never what I thought it was in the first place. Youth made it seem like the future was matter of choosing a handful of the best options from a world of possibility, a world of potential benefits that could be enjoyed like biting into a ripe, sweet, summer fruit. Late middle-age has clarified the reality that time is not an infinite resource and that some opportunities will only come once or twice. Coping with loss, and trying not to feel like a failure is hard.
I spend a lot of time praying, hoping to recapture the feeling of security that came from a hopeful future. Trying not to be de-moralized in a world hurting from its own poor choices and disregard for the inherent dignity of mankind. May God please guide me to my best possible future.
